from the archives
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the in-between. I feel like no one talks about the in-between. In-between jobs, relationships, passions, careers. Not the transition, I’m talking even in-between that. That weird lull. The panic, the anticipation of what to anticipate. The what the hell. And the silent pain and the searching. The aimless searching. The searching for what to search for. That in-between.
This is where I am. But here is the problem, I didn’t know I was allowed to have an in-between. I thought you get a rest period and then everything picks back up. But after quitting my last job and resting, I still wasn’t ready to face the world. I was starting my in-between.
Lost in the confusion. I’ve searched for articles, read self-help books, spoke to friends, and grasp for any notion that I am not loosing my mind. But the truth is I felt (and in some ways still feel) like I’ve lost my mind. Lost who I am. Lost my breath. I constantly find myself feeling like I CAN NOT BREATHE. Questioning why I am here? If I don’t know who I am then why should I be here. If I were to walk out my door and never return would anyone even notice. and do I have the courage to do that?
You see the mind is a beautiful thing but it’s so dangerous when it’s lost. Even though I am still in this phase I feel like I’m at the tail end. I have questioned enough to figure out that what I am going through should be a topic of conversation. Surely I am not the only person that has felt like this! I think I’m special but I’m not that special.
Yes, this blog post is and not a whoa is me post. But attempting to put how I feel into words is a small inhale. I won’t begin to try and tell anyone how to fix themselves to get through this but I will share what has helped me.
Here is a list because it’s 2016 and it’s not worth reading if lists aren't involved.
Self-reflection: For me, self-reflection is part of self love. It’s the alone time you take to sit with yourself and weed through the barnacles of your mind. What’s gong on in there? When I am practicing self care, I question my negative thoughts. I attack them on site. Through journaling, long walks, & praying/meditation. I dig deep into why I feel the way I do, what triggered these emotions and then dig even deeper into that. One thing I’ve learned is that the problem is never what we think it is. Take the WHY six levels deeper and maybe then you will find something new.
Patience: The work of yourself is a life long journey. You are not going to get to the best version of yourself overnight so you might as well relax. One of the biggest things that would drive me crazy was the fact that I could not wake up early. I would hit my alarm clock for the umpteenth time and then beat myself up because once again it’s 11am and I am still in bed. That’s when the negative self talk would happen. You’re worthless, you can’t do anything right, if you can’t do a simple thing as wake up on time then no wonder you can’t do anything right. After realizing the pattern, I took note of how it set a terrible tone for the rest of the day. After becoming tired of feeling so worked up over this one thing I decided to be patient with myself. I thought well if my body is unwilling to get up then let me be patient with her. Through my patience I became kind. Now slowly but surely I am waking up earlier and earlier, sometimes without even an alarm.
Intuition: One of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made was not listening to my gut. I knew I needed to leave my job earlier, I knew i needed to rest more. 100% of my pain is knowing what I need to do but not listening to myself. There are still things in my life that I am being stubborn over. Fear is the devil.
Sleep: As I said earlier I have issues with waking up, in addition to that I feel guilty that I am not sleeping less and grinding more. As I have stated before over sleeping gives me so much guilt. But I also had to learn that under sleeping is not worth my sanity. Allowing myself to rest while I get ready for the next phase of my life is essential. I know for a fact that once I have reconnected with my passions and hit a stride, there won't be a lot of sleep involved. So I might as well take full advantage of this down time.
Support system: I talk about a good support system all the time! I have a great team. Even though I have major trust issues, I know exactly who to call for a girls night, who to discuss dreams and motivations with and who to call and cry to. When going through a dark phase, you can’t tell your secrets with just anyone. You have to find people who won’t project their issues onto you, people who have been there and people who you admire. Not everyone is ready or equipped to carry your cross with you. Don’t make the burden heavier than it needs to be by trusting the wrong people.
More patience: breathe and forgive yourself. Tell yourself it’s ok that you felt too shitty to workout today and just make sure that you get up and try again tomorrow. Patience is not an excuse for failing, it just makes trying again easier.
Solitude and Solidarity: After sitting with myself and understanding the weight I was under I decided to find people OUTSIDE of my support system that I could converse with. I found women only groups in my area, entrepreneurial groups and women only activities to attend. I am a woman on a mission and I wanted to find women like me. Even though I am going through a lot, I know that it’s important to be around women who are actively working on themselves as well. These women have become my low key accountability partners. I’ve received random calls of encouragement, made important business collaborations and friendships. Because we are all on this entrepreneurial journey, we all understand what it takes.
Acceptance: Lastly, there is acceptance. I accept where I am on this journey and even though it's hard not to compare where I am to my cohort, I do know that I am headed for greatness. Not every part of my journey will be beautiful but I need to go through all of it because there is a lesson in every chapter.
I still have bad days. Hell, right before I finished writing this I was feeling so low about my situation. But the good news is; with each breath is an opportunity to start over.
exhale.