It rains even in paradise.
What a simple reminder that even beauty needs nourishment.
That there is joy in the rain.
Every droplet a sweet kiss to growth.
A whisper saying, “Let’s cry together, let’s release.”
I’ve been mourning the loss of the old me for the past two years. Not realizing that she is not coming back and maybe she shouldn't.
While living in Bali, my housemate and I would hosted dinner with one of our best Bali friends. The conversations were always super deep and yummy. On one particular night, our friend asked me and my housemate what was our greatest fear, I said I didn't have that many fears anymore. I'm known as the risk taker, the go-getter; so other than physical fears like a fear of heights, I can't think of much.
The conversation went on and the topic of fear of success came up. They shared about being afraid of immense success and having to maintain that level of success. Upon hearing this, I stated that I have no such fear but my biggest worry right now is that the spark I need to get me there won't return.
Everything I've ever wanted in life, I chased wholeheartedly and I got it! But after years of stress and overworking, I hit a wall. I was burnt out. Ever since then I've resigned to the fact that I am in a resting period and the energy I need (my ambitious spark) will return...eventually.
After listening to me rattle on about something that made complete sense to me my friend looked at me like I was completely nuts. She said, “Why would you want to go back to functioning in a way that made you sick? You are waiting for something that's not going to happen. I'm sorry to tell you but that old you is dead and shouldn't come back.”
She broke it down like this: maybe the reason I'm so tired and have no energy is because my body is protecting me from doing the same harm I did to it last time. You know that every time I got excited about a project, I’d work myself to the bone and I end up mentally drained and most recently physically sick. So instead of going through that cycle, my body says “Oh no team, here she goes again getting herself all worked up. It's time to shut her down!” AKA it's time for rest.
After coming at me with a mega proverbial punch-kick combination, the universe yelled “Finish her!” and she roundhouse kicked me with, “This is the new you and you better learn how to create from this place.”
This place? This place of uncertainty? Sometimes I don't even know how to motivate myself out of bed. What do you mean create from this place?
As searing as her words were a part of me knew she was right. It resonated deeply. I'm not that girl anymore and cannot be that girl anymore. I'm a woman now. I must operate out of the level of compassion and softness that my weary body can understand. I need to make sure that my mind, body, and soul can trust me again.
So I guess it’s time to complete the stages of grief and accept this.
Dear Younger Donalee,
Thank you for carrying me this far. Thank you for your persistence, determination, and stubbornness. Your strength transformed me from a statistic to a standout. I did things many people from where I'm from can only dream of. I honor your strong will and hard work. Everything I have today is because of you.
But sweetie the time has come for me to take all the lessons but leave the weight. Now I need to be strong and soft. Driven but receptive. Sure but unsure. So today I release you. Thank you for taking me this far but the higher me is calling and I must go to her. I love you, I honor you.
Love,
Donalee Curtis 2.0